excerpt from a short story in progress

She is trying to write at the computer. Anna has been trying to get on the computer for two days now. Her husband has been hogging it remorselessly. Now that she is finally on it, he keeps coming in the room about every fifteen minutes with a, “what are you doing,” or “what are you looking at?” or something to that effect. It is making her crazy. How is she supposed to get anything done if she’s not even allowed time to think? Obviously, what she does is not as important as what he does, because she doesn’t have deadlines. Deadlines make your work more important. So, when she’s on the computer, he can’t stand it; he has to see what she’s doing. He will sometimes spend six to eight hours on the computer in one day, and when she gets on for two hours, he has something to say about it. It is never a good time for her to get on; there is always something else that needs to be done. But now she is on, eight hours after he promised her she could get on, and he won’t leave her alone. He gets offended when she acts impatient with his questions. Anna feels as though she might have to hurt him physically just to get some peace. Next time he walks in the room, she’s decided to get up off of the falling-apart, rickety, old chair that they recycled from her uncle’s estate, and waylay him with the heavy, glass duck that sits on the desk. If she’s lucky, she can knock him unconscious without spilling blood on the floor, yet hit him hard enough to put him out for at least an hour. This way, she can actually get some writing done.
Of course, it won’t happen. Anna has these fantasies often, though. She feels it is healthy for her marriage, to carry out elaborate plans in her head. It calms her down and creates a sense of satisfaction that she wouldn’t get with mere frustration. If she can mentally maim or kill her husband every time he acts like an idiot, it will save a lot of arguments. For instance, when he uses her car and moves all of her within-reach things to the backseat or worse, the floorboard, she can imagine running him over repeatedly in their driveway. On the occasion that she asks him to bring in the groceries while she is otherwise engaged in something that she can’t get away from for a while, and he does, but leaves all of the frozen foods, raw chicken and dairy sitting out at room temperature because he “forgot,” she can entertain herself by mentally stuffing an apple in his mouth and cramming him into the oven. It’s great therapy.

ocean - a poem

ocean

there is blue
corduroy rhythm
looming
on the beach.

untitled poem

untitled

a waking breath
blazes open,
then dies.
soft
as a metaphor
for grace.

my mother-in law is coming (the guest room)

The Guest Room

The books are arranged on the shelves. I put them all up today. They are categorized, but not alphabetized: modern and contemporary fiction, classic fiction, ancient classics, literature anthologies, reference, general nonfiction, autobiographies, biographies, memoirs, gardening, drama, poetry, how-to, hiking/camping, field guides, ornithology, astrology, health, kids and miscellaneous. It has taken almost three years to do this; and it’s not because we have tons and tons of books. It’s because the books were in “that room.” You know the room, the one that no one uses, the one that no one is brave enough to walk into for fear of a foot or head injury. It’s the catch-all room, spare room, extra room, the guest bedroom for people who never have guests; that was us, the last one. But now we are getting a guest, two of them actually. My husband’s mom and sister will be here soon, tomorrow soon. It has created panic.
You would think the Queen of England was coming to stay. It’s mostly me; I always panic when it comes to company. I feel like the house needs to be perfect no matter who is coming, well, almost no matter. This is an unfortunate trait that I have inherited from my mother. It is a trait that drives husbands to the brink of insanity. By the time my in-laws leave, he will probably be close to death. Nevertheless, I must be tolerated in my time of high anxiety. My insistence that the house be practically remodeled is not excessive in the least. This is just something that women do. Not, of course, all women, but a lot of women. It is especially true pending a visit from Mother-in-law.
My husband does not understand. “It’s just my mom,” he says, just his mom. Now, if my own mother was coming to stay, I’d probably only clean the bathroom and kitchen, and push everything out of the way in the guest room to clear a walking trail. Maybe it’s because I know that my mom loves me no matter what. But my mother-in-law did not give birth to me. I have to knock her socks off. I have to show her how well I am taking care of her son and granddaughter. So, the house will look spectacular. The guest room (which is also our study/office) will look like the reading room of the Carnegie Library with a bed in it. I will make my best, from-scratch lasagna, and I will not sleep in late – not once! My house will be a bed and breakfast with a cute little baby for entertainment. At the end of their stay, I will be emotionally and physically exhausted. I will probably need my mommy.
But the guest room will be finished. I will have very clean floors. I will get to look at all the updated, framed pictures that I replaced the old ones with. The grout between the bathroom tiles will be white once again. All of the little tasks that my husband has been putting off until later will have been accomplished (if not all of them in their entirety), and I can relax a little and maybe get some writing done. It’s not such a bad thing, after all. Maybe I could get my mother-in-law to visit twice a year. Nah, on second thought, once a year is enough.

my first grey hair

my first grey hair

I gave a hard stare into the reflecting pool,
the white specks on it's surface.
Like a tall weed amoung creeping phlox
it came into my view
obtuse and smiling,
as if to say - I've got you now.
Rooted firmly at the bottom,
it stood up nearly erect
yet crumpled.
It looked like a tiny piece of fiberoptic cable
that had been mangled by a pomeranian.
I plucked it out and taped it
to the first page,
to begin the journey.

Parenthood is not for Sissies

What in the hell does “mother’s day out” mean? You’re supposed to take a break from being a mom? This is what I have been told, that I need a break. I stay home with my daughter, as well as working from home. People have actually had the nerve to tell me that I should put her in daycare, “mother’s day out,” a couple of days a week. Why would I want to do that? I understand that a lot of people don’t have the option to work from home. I understand that childcare, in some way, shape or form is often necessary. But here’s my question: How and when did parents get so detached from parenting? What is it that makes people in our culture think that it’s good to dump our kids off on virtual strangers while we get things done, or just hang out and relax? I know that not all parents do that. But I do know of some who drop their kids off when they don’t even have to; it’s just because they want to. Why did these people have kids in the first place if they weren’t prepared to do the job? Why do they even want time away from their kids? I know that some people really don’t have any other choice; they have to go to work. But isn’t that how it should be? Shouldn’t daycare be a last resort, used for when you have to go to work? Shouldn’t babies and toddlers be with their moms and dads? It’s one thing to hire a babysitter or rely on grandparents to occasionally watch the kids while Mom and Dad have date night, or when parents are required to do something in which kids shouldn’t or can’t be involved. But what is with all of these parents relying on daycare on a daily basis just to have “personal time” or “get more done around the house?” I actually know one particular mother who drops her kids off every day, and then goes home and watches television; she doesn’t even clean her house.
I have done a lot of reading on parenting since the birth of my daughter. I have read lots of different opinions and talked to a lot of other moms, both in person and on message boards. I have witnessed the behavior of kids who spend most of their time with their parents, as well as kids who don’t. What I have found is that the kids who are with their parents most of the time are calmer, happier, more secure, and sometimes even smarter. They’re less likely to lash out aggressively or throw tantrums. Basically, they are just more contented because they feel wanted. People are pack animals, and we want to be with our pack. Estrangement from it leads to restlessness and discontent. So then, what you get is a child who is quickly frustrated or upset. There are, of course, other factors that can attribute to this, such as letting babies “cry it out,” but that is a subject that requires its own article.
It is a sad reality that too many parents are unwilling to do the hard stuff. It’s easy to let someone else take care of your child while you do the dishes and go grocery shopping. It is very disturbing to think that parents take their kids to daycare just to make things easier on themselves. They want to clean the house or work in the yard or go run errands. All of those things are possible with your child. I do them, lots and lots of other parents do them. Why are these particular parents so anxious to get away from their children? Why do they think they need things to be so easy? Life is not easy, parenting is not easy. Did these people grow up on fairy tales where everyone lived happily ever after with no effort put forth? Or are they just so submerged in our culture of convenience that the only work they’re willing to do is kind you get a paycheck for?
Children need their parents. They too soon go off to school, off in cars, off to college, why rush the separation? Why send them out into the world without a strong foundation to build from? Time with Mom and Dad is the best thing for them. They need our guidance and our time. American families need to take off the blinders. A family is not a fast food drive through or a pay-at-the-pump gas station. It’s not about convenience; it’s about being together even when things are difficult. It’s about putting each other first. Kids just need love and attention. They just need their parents to want them around.

empty nest

empty nest


There is a birds nest
with a post-it note
stuck on.
It reads: Recycle,
Because It Works!
In it are woven
long threads of
blue plastic and
something brown/black,
resembling the guts
of an old cassette tape.
It is shaped like a
deep hammock,
suspended between two
thin branches of
an oak tree.
No one lives there.

Envirohoma?

I am a citizen of Oklahoma. I was born here, and with the exception of about 5 years scattered throughout the 32-year span of my life, I have always lived here in our community. I think there are a lot of wonderful things about our state. I have resided briefly in California, Texas, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, Connecticut and Washington, and I have found that Oklahoma is the only state in which I can relax. I can see far out onto the horizon; I don’t have to worry about overcrowded cities, or sky-high living expenses. We also have truly good and friendly people here. My state has beautiful sunsets, amazing expanses of prairie grasses, a wide variety of wildlife, and many wonderful state and municipal parks to enjoy. Keeping all this in mind, I want to tell you about two things that really bother me.

A few days before the elections, my husband went to our local Democratic Party headquarters to get some information. When he asked where the various candidates stood on environmental issues, he was told that none of them had any stance, because environmental issues are not important (politically) for this state. That is the first problem on my mind.

The other day, I was reading the latest edition of Sierra magazine. It is a publication put out by the very well known Sierra Club, which was founded in 1892 “to explore, enjoy, and protect the wild places of the earth.” Many of you are probably familiar with this organization. In an article on “Candid Congressmen,” Senator James Inhofe (R-Okla.) was quoted as saying, “We’re not going to worry” about protecting children from pesticide residues in their food. “Now that Tom DeLay is gone, it’s up to Oklahoma to stand tall for DDT,” DDT? Does anyone remember that DDT is the chemical responsible for the near-extinction of our national symbol, the Bald Eagle, and that it was banned in the 1970’s for this reason?

What do these two things say about Oklahoma and Oklahomans? It seems to me that Oklahomans take the beauty of this state for granted. If our elected officials and those running for public office are either taking a stance against the health of our land (and children), or taking no stance at all because it’s “not important” for this state, then it’s because we, as citizens, have not shown that we care. Do we really want to have to allocate a budget for bottled water or buy expensive filtration systems for under our kitchen sinks because our water supplies are polluted? Many of us already do. In my home town, we have ozone alerts and air quality reports, and I’m sure the same is true for other cities in our state. For these reasons alone, it’s obvious that environmental issues are important. Oklahoma’s geographical diversity provides homes for innumerable animal and plant species. Do we want to douse them with poisons and toxic pesticides like DDT? Or do we want our state government to find less harmful and more productive methods for dealing with pest problems? Do we want our children exposed to heavy metal toxins and pollutants in our drinking water? Well, they already are being exposed to them.

There are many ways to help reduce environmental pollutants in Oklahoma. It really begins at home by recycling, reusing things instead of throwing them away, and reducing the amount of things we buy (i.e. things we don’t need). We can replace our incandescent light bulbs with energy-saving fluorescents (those nifty spiral bulbs, which last much longer and reduce your electric bill). We can buy smaller, more efficient vehicles and only use big trucks when we really do need use them for what they were designed for (hauling, towing, off-roading, etc.); we can even buy hybrid vehicles. To reduce the pollutants in our ground water, we can buy meats from animals raised on small, local farms, or phosphate-free, dye-free household cleaners, which are now widely available and safer for our families and pets. But all this effort feels futile (even though it’s really not), when we hear our elected officials tell us that environmental issues are not important, or that they want to bring back the use of DDT. Let’s let our state government know that we do care. We live in this beautiful state. We breathe the air, drink the water, enjoy state and municipal parks and fish in area lakes. Why would we not want to protect all of these things that are so much a part of our daily lives? I refuse to believe that other Oklahomans don’t feel the same as my family and I do. It’s time to put environmental issues on Oklahoma’s political agenda.

My Daughter is Screaming

My two-year-old daughter is screaming. My husband is outside making bookshelves and I am on the computer and my daughter is screaming. She just started doing this a few days ago. She just screams unintelligable words. She's not upset; she may be a little bored, though. My mother says she is doing it to hear her own voice. Maybe she is.
We work from home, my husband and I. We know it's the best thing for our family. We get to spend lots of time together, and take frequent breaks to play with our daughter. It's like the old, old, old days, when everyone worked from home because there were really no such thing as jobs, at least the way we know them today. The exception is that we are not tending our animals and spinning thread for clothes, we're on the computer. Time is, indeed, circular.
My daughter is still screaming, although she is now outside with my husband. She is screaming at the dog.